Wouldn't a Tbird have been more sensible?
by Hasty
Summary: Retsu Unohana just had to get involved with the one man whose midlife crisis couldn't be solved by Italy, Germany or Detroit.


**Kube-sensei, forgive me.. Post Winter War fic, mentions of other pairings, established Retsu-Kenpachi. **

Retsu Unohana gave Kiyone Iba's belly the evil eye. The prospective baby had just kicked the stethoscope out of her hands.

"You two have certainly got a live one on your hands," she said reproachfully. "Payback for keeping me so busy, I suppose."

Kiyone giggled nervously. Considering the trouble both parents'd gotten into as kids, Unohana's reproach was justified. God help her if the kid found out about the Kite Incident. Or about the frog farm that Iba had set up in the distillery room. Ukitake still referred to Iba as 'Keeper of Frogs.'

"Have you thought about what you're going to do after the birth?" Unohana asked.

"I'm transferring to Fifth for a while, so Tetsu and I can share caretaking duty for the first six months. Madarame-taicho signed off on it, and Kuchiki-fukutaicho and I get along well. I'll have the same rank I had in Thirteenth, and Kurosaki-taicho'll keep my seat open."

Of all the reshufflings in the Seireitei, Ikkaku's and Rukia's promotions after the war had to be the most surprising. The funny thing was that Ikkaku and Rukia actually got along and managed to pull the division together.

"Is everything okay?" Kiyone asked.

"You're both doing just fine. Remember to take it easy for the next month, and watch your iron levels. I'll have one of the rookies deliver your iron supplement."

"Yes, ma'am."

She sensed a familiar reiatsu and smiled. Soon enough, she heard his voice.

"Hey, Kiyone, lookin' good," Kenpachi called.

"I'm a big fat hippo," Kiyone said, relishing the familiar spar.

"Naw, more like a cute little tapir. Remind me to drop by after the kid comes- if ya need any help, I'll do what I can."

"Thank you very much, Captain Zaraki," Kiyone said, bowing.

8888

Unohana made tea- houjicha, not her usual sencha. Kenpachi sat on his usual cushion, idly drumming his fingers on the table.

"When did you see a tapir?" she asked.

"A few years back, we went on a mission to South America. We had a bullfight with one."

She reminded herself that sometimes, she just shouldn't ask. Anyway, Kenpachi seemed to have something on his mind.

"Ya know, ever since Byakuya and Renji had their brat, and Ukitake, Otoribashi, Kira and Soi Fong are raisin' their brats at home, I've been kinda thinking that we ought to have one ourselves. Yachi's nearly grown, and I always wanted ta raise a whole bunch."

Unohana raised an eyebrow. "What's Yachiru's opinion on this? I know she's in the Living World right now, but adding a new family member might upset her."

"Are you kidding me? She's been asking for a sib since she realized other brats had brothers and sisters."

"First of all, I'm infertile. Unless you're volunteering for pregnancy."

"No way. Watching Byakuya do it was bad enough. We could adopt.. again."

"Secondly, you're still reorganizing your division, and I'm quite busy."

"Tatsuki and Ganju are getting along great, Makizue's steady, and Yachiru's finally getting the hang of the accounts. Kotetsu and Yamada can take care of everything here."

She just had to get involved with the one man whose midlife crisis couldn't be solved by the auto industry. Maybe she could suggest that he take up with a young hottie, but when all was said and done, she wouldn't be happy with that solution at all. Besides, most of Soul Society had already paired up.

"Why don't you think about it for a while? And while you're at it, borrow some of Ganju's auto magazines."

She hoped a nice shiny car might solve things. It was worth a shot.

8888

Two weeks later..

"Braidy-mommy," Yachiru called. "Ya gotta come, quick!"

Unohana let herself be tugged along by Yachiru. She glared at Rukia, who'd been out for a walk and was trying to conceal a smile.

"-And I think I should have some babies too, but Ken-chan says I should wait a century or two, which seems kind of mean. But I'll be taking care of the others, so I'll at least know what I'm doing when I have some of my own. I think we should make sure they have names that end in "E' 'O' or 'A,' cause there's too many I's and U's in the family already."

"What are you talking about?" Unohana asked.

"The new babies of course!" Yachiru chirped, beaming. It was easy to forget she was already the equivalent of thirteen. When she smiled like that, she looked like the child she'd been when Retsu'd first met her. "Ken-chan only meant to get one, but they were twins, so now I have a baby brother _and_ a baby sister. They're six months old, younger than I was when Ken-chan found me."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. _That man._

Minazuki sniggered.

"I think we're gonna name the girl 'Kirio' after Grandma. Or we could use Rurichiyo, or Rukia..Ken-chan already named the boy Chojiro. I told him N'noitra sounds too damn weird, and if we name him Ichigo, Icchy'd get all mixed up."

Kenpachi was going to be in the doghouse for a looong time, until karma decided to bite his butt. Raising a teenager and a pair of toddlers was a job for a masochist.

She was going to have a talk with Urahara. Yumichika and Ikkaku had better watch their steps as well; they should've seen this coming.

88888

"And how may I help you-erk!"

Urahara's cheery greeting was cut off as Unohana slammed him into the wall by his neck.

"Next time Kenpachi asks you for money," she informed him. "You are going to give it to him, no questions asked."

"But he said you wanted a Thunderbird. Do you know how much those _cost? _And anyway, after he thought it over, he just went back to Soul Society. How was I supposed to know this would happen?_"_

"I don't know and I don't care. Next time, raise the money by any means necessary. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back and have a talk with Madarame-san. He skipped his physical exam."

88888

Yumichika looked up from his desk. Shihouin-taicho was attending to her paperwork, and he'd temporarily tamed the accounts. So why did he have this sudden premonition of doom?

"Oh, Ayasegawa," Yoruichi trilled. "Did you hear the news? Zaraki-taicho has two new bundles of joy!"

"Shihouin-taicho, I'd like to take a nice long mission. Do you have any that'll keep me busy for the next century?"

88888

"Madarame-taicho," Rukia said. "You're going to have to come out from under your desk sometime."

"Never!"

As far as Ikkaku was concerned, baby-sitting was worse than death. Dead men couldn't change diapers. And at the other end, two sets of needle sharp teeeeth waiting to be embedded in his scalp..

Yeah, he was staying right here for the next century, fuckyouverymuch.

8888

Unohana eventually forgave Kenpachi, but she reminded herself to organize an intervention a hundred years from now.

_**1. At some point Kiyone and Iba just decided to get married. I might explore this pairing at a later date.**_

**_2. Kurosaki-taicho is Isshin, not Ichigo._**

3. _**Soi-Fong was forced out of Second after her injury in the Winter War. Rose resumed his clan's leadership after the War, and Kira and Ukitake retired voluntarily.**_

**_5. I think Thunderbirds are cool, okay? I am not getting paid by Ford. If a few bucks came my way I wouldn't complain, mind you. Anyone from Ford here?_**

_**A/N: I'm battling a bunch of crackbunnies right now. They won this round. **__**Consider this a late Mothers Day/ early Father's Day thing. **_

**_Please redirect the shippings into other lanes. Other than that, flame on! Politely, please._**


End file.
